Writer, Patrick Dennis, once said "I wake every morning with a dirty mind, and a clean sheet of paper." Gentlefolk, I find similarities in this author and I. Cos I too wake up in the morning with a dirty mind, a blackberry and a stiffy.
People, today is special, for two reasons. One being quite obvious, it Friday baby! Just hold on, the day will soon be over. The second reason is something of much sentiment to me, and I hope you too.... Its our one week anniversary.
I started this thing on the 4th of June, 2010, exactly one week ago this morning. I'm getting all misty eyed now, faning my self with one hand, like a beauty queen. Its crazy, cos usually I'm useless with anniversaries. Just ask any of the girls who have been mis-fortuned to date me. Can't remember dates for shit.
Weirdly enough, I'm good with birthdays, which are essentially anniversaries too. I've never forgotten a family members' birthday, not one of my friends and a special darling cousin of mine (though this last one is more out of fear than anything else), but I can never seem to remember other dates.
Trust the womenfolk though. It has been said that in order to always remember you and your wife's anniversary, all you have to do is forget it once. See if what happens that day isn't memorable. And not just wedding anniversaries either. The ladies will remember every insignificant date there is. "Today is the 72 hour anniversary of when we first said hi... Today is the one week anniversary of one first day in the same class... Today is the fortnight anniversary of the day I wore those tight black trousers, and you told your friend you'd like to get you some of that!" ... All the dude is thinking is "Bitch, you knew about that?!"
I'm teasing ladies. I keep saying it, I love y'all.
But seriously people, I'm getting very emotional here. I started this cos my friends say I'm a jackass, and I should write some of my shit down. I never dreamed people would actually like it. There has got to be something seriously wrong with you people! Get help, please, you need to be institutionalised. My heartfelt thanks to all of you.
Believe it or not, I have absolutely nothing to do with the distribution of this blog. I just write it. How it gets to all of you is totally out of my hands. That task is controlled by my advisors, an extraordinary group of gentlemen. I'm sorry, that is all I'm permitted to say. I do not want to endanger the well being of you gentlefolk. If I must go on, just know that whatever you engage in, it comes first from nature, thus it is natural. And these men control all that is natural... I've said too much already, we must never speak of this again. Gentlemen, soon, it shall be all be ours...
My friends, who also partake in the distribution of this blog, you are all a right bunch of bastards, and I thank you for being so.
And now, I want to talk to everyone one who reads this thing. Again, I didn't expect anyone to actually like this. Now I have followers? People who wait for me to drop something every morning and evening? Flattered doesn't cover it. I'm shy. I'm shy like the virgin who is being told for the first time that she has perfect breasts. Thank you all so much. Gentlemen, may you bear strong sons. May your wife/girlfriend suddenly become more open to the idea of another woman joining you between the sheets. May that mechanic who has been charging you all kinds of cash for you car and not doing shit, may he suddenly catch syphillis (this one is really personal to me).
And my ladies, without whom I would be buying engine oil for more than just my car engine. May your man finally accept that you are the best thing that ever happened to him. May he realise that whatever you decide to do with his money is none of his goddamn business. And ladies, next time your absolutely tired and overworked, and that bastards has the balls to announce that he is hungry, I pray that you suddenly find divine strength and vigor to grab him by the ears, shove his head between your legs and give the sonofabitch something to eat!
Gentlefolk, the friday has begun and so it must end eventually. I can't bloody wait.
I am Womilee and I love you all.