Gentlefolk, I joined twitter this weekend. Its a magical place filled with beautiful girls, parties and even its own language. I learnt so many new words this weekend. Tweeps, twusband, I even have my own twifey, DM, RT etc. But the word I'm interested in is Timeline, or TL. What baffles me about this term is that the action it performs has absolutely no connection to the name itself. On twitter it refers to an '@' key. When u click it, it shows you what other tweeople (there, another one) have said in reference to you or your twame (ok, I just made that one up, I'm sorry). How the fuck is this a 'timeline'? It has absolutely nothing to do with the words 'time' or 'line'. I dunno, maybe I don't get it. Maybe I'm thicker than I thought. I hear lack of sex can result in anything from mental retardation to social ineptitude. If this is true, then my boss must have been celibate way longer than I have.
But I digress, the reason I'm so interested in the term is that I think GIM should have its own TL. Here, a TL is the time from the end of monday, to the beginning of friday. Our standard 96 hours, that's GIM's TL. The idiots who created twitter should read this. That is how you name something you morons. You just don't give it the first name that pops into your heads?! It should have some kind of connection to the action it performs. What if the people who came up with the words 'dick' and 'bread' interchanged them? That means we would fuck with our breads and put our dicks in toasters... The former sounds un-hygenic and the latter is plain painful, don't you think. Again, lack of sex good people...
There's something else I would like to share with you good people. It is just as ridiculous as the above, but it struck me profoundly today. In traffic, I saw two beggars. No... That's not the profound part dumbass, hold on. Anyways the first beggar was your run-of-the-mill Lagos beggar, he had one leg on a crutch. But he had an extraordinary exception to him... He had a mobile. I've never seen a beggar with a mobile before. But wait, there's more... He had credit on his mobile! I know this because I watched him take it out and make a phonecall. Then I watched him put it back into his pocket. Then I watched him limp over to my window and beg me for money. Then he watched me give him the finger. Then I watched him walk away. How the fuck am I going to give out money to someone who has more credit on their phone than I have?! Gentlefolk, I currently have 0.14 naira on my phone, and its going to stay that way until I need to pay for my blackberry again! Fucking beggar! If he need money so bad, he should go open a business center!
That's beggar number one. Beggar number 2 I had a lot of sympathy for. The poor bastard had no hands. His were cut off at the elbows. I can't even imagine the challenges this man goes through. And it got me thinking... If (God forbid), I had to lose a pair of limbs, which would I prefer, my hands or my legs? Its a stupid thought, I know, but consider it yourself. I decided, I'd much rather lose my legs. Yeah, I won't walk, or run, drive, swim etc, but that's about it right? If I lost my hands (again, God forbid it), then there's all sorts of shit I can't do anymore. And I don't mean the regular things like openings doors, or wiping my own ass or even writing this blog. I'm talking about the extraordinary things which I love so much. No more playing Pro Evolution Soccer! I would actually need someone else to scratch my balls for me! No more squeezing boobies! All gone. But what scared me the most gentlefolk, was that if I lost my hands (seriously, God forbid it!), I would never be able to give anyone the
finger again. That gesture, which encompasses so many emotions, in the simple flick of a finger, gone. Think about how many times you've randomly given the finger. It took nothing to do it, yet it put across exactly the right message you were trying to convey. Its irreplaceable. You can get someone to opens doors for you, wipe your ass for you, scratch anywhere that needs scratching, but you cannot get someone to give the finger for you. It just wouldn't feel right. And you can't give the toe (don't lie, we've all tried this before...). So what are we left with? The tongue? Good people, giving someone the tongue will not be considered an insulting act, its an overt sexual gesture. That my friends is an invitation. I gave that beggar money people, and I did it cos I don't want to live in a world were giving the finger is a luxury only affordable by the privileged. Everyone should have that ability. Look to the person beside you and flip him/her off now, and you'll understand.
I told you it was ridiculous didn't I?
Our timeline is 96 hours gentlefolk, let's all make it out alive and sane.
I am Womilee...see u all twednesday (I'm so sorry, I can't seem to stop.)