Saturday, 17 July 2010

17/07/2010...

FMIS! Fuck me, its saturday? I'm taking shit too far now, I know. Apologies. Gentlefolk, I'm in a good mood. The obvious reason being I'm still in bed. Don't have to rush into the bathroom, don't have to remind myself to brush my teeth, morning hard-on happy and healthy, doesn't have to be forced down or convinced to go away. Saturday morning lethargy people, and I'm loving it, as I'm sure you are.
This is a sneak peek into my world on saturday gentlefolk, I'm trying to make amends for not writing anything last night. I would like to send my condolences to those poor sonofabiches who work weekends though. Its like being offered a blow job by a man... Its still a blow job, but no, hell no. Its still a saturday, but goddamn, your at work. That cannot feel right.
My itinerary for saturday mornings always follows the same pattern. Wake up, flip open a laptop and watch a movie. And the choice of movie always varies. Action, Horror, Comedy or porn. Now don't lie to yourselves my brethren, we all have porn somewhere. On our laptops, our phones, hidden somewhere inside the roof of the dog's cage (best hiding place ever!) And ladies, don't lie to yourselves either, you know we have it. You've probably found where we hid it too. Hands up any of you who watched it? Shaking your heads and tut-tutting..."I don't know why he has this rubbish..." But you still watching though.
This morning, no porn. I promise. I'm gonna see Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels instead. You should too, its an awesome movie. Fuck, that should have been my suggestion for the weekend... No matter, there's still more.
I have a date today gentlefolk. Yes, someone (a girl too) has actually decided that her good deed for the year is to hang out with yours truly. Obviously, I'm sure she has horrendous taste in everything else, not just men. I have no idea where we're going to go or what we are going to do. Infact, please, all the beautiful women who follow me on twitter, help a brother out. I'm totally confused. I need advice and suggestions.
If I must dampen the mood slightly, ill say something about work yesterday. Work yesterday was shit. As usual. There, that just about covers it. Although there was a peculiar highlight to yesterday.
Have any of you good people come across a series called Californication? Its about this writer with severe issues (no comparison). I would go on, but ill digress if I do. In an episode of it I saw, the writer got upset because someone said the term LOL at him. Now, I don't mean he was chatting or texting, I mean he was having a personal, face-to-face talk with someone. He said something funny and she replied 'lol'. As most real writers (again, present company excluded) go, he takes the english language quite seriously, thus this annoyed him greatly. I laughed when I watched this, thinking who ever penned the script was a funny muthafucker. Who the fuck says 'lol' instead of just laughing right? Until it happened to me...
Yesterday at work, I was speaking to one of the many girls at the office whom I'm planning on impregnating. As things usually go, I was teasing her, making jokes...y'all know how I do. At a point in time, she bent over (hold on!) to pick something off the floor, and I made a quip about her ass being her best trait (aren't the best things in life supposed to be free?). She found this funny, and said 'lol'. I was dumbfounded! 'L-o-fucking-l! I haven't been that turned off since the day I accidentally watched fat girl porn (it is revolting!). What the fuck?! Is it really so difficult to laugh out loud nowadays? I mean, my physiotherapy degree isn't exactly genuine, but I think its safe to assume it takes more muscles to say the term 'lol' than it does to just laugh. Its utterly ridiculous to be honest. I quickly made some excuse about suddenly being rendered impotent and left her. Apparently she thought this was really funny, cos this time she laughed. Lord help the bitch she shouldve used the term 'Lmao'....
I've never been one to keep up with the latest trends and fashions, but is it now in vogue to abbreviate everything, including spoken word? The amount of things that will suffer from this trend are huge. Think if your favourite artist started abbreviating his music, your favourite writer, his books, your favourite movie cut short... Although in my opinion, some films could do with a bit of it. Titanic should have ended when Kate Winslet showed boob in my opinion. Think of if while you're fucking, she starts abbreviating her moans ans sounds... Oh my God becomes 'OMG', 'I'm coming' turns into 'brb'..., 'yes, yes, yes', becomes a thumbs up... Not very sexy if you ask me...
I'm off to watch my movie now good people, which by the way is my suggestion for the weekend.
For music, Puffy's No Way Out for the hard ones, TLC's Crazy, Sexy, Cool for the soft ones and Craig David's best (and only in my opinion) album, Born To Do it.
Books, anything Sidney Sheldon wrote is awesome, trust me.
Sex, oh you bet your sweet asses....
Happy a good weekend good people....
I am Womilee.

2 comments:

  1. Lol!!! *wtf, did I jus abbreviate* 'Alright, let's sort d buyers from d spyers, the needy from d greedy, n dose who trust me frm d ones who don't...take a bag, cmon take a bag, I tuk a bag home last nyt it cost me a lot more dan £10 I can tell ya...!" Guy Ritchie's movies r awesome, don't u jus luv d accent. They fucked up my friday plans wit a village meetin dat ended ard 9am.

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  2. Best place to keep the porn is in the garage... nothing can find it there....my choice for the weekend is Bush goes down on jlo.....

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