This is the last time, I promise. Really. I know I said I'd come to grips with my laziness last weekend, but unfortunately, my grip isn't that strong, so my laziness got away from me. But honestly, I promise this is the last time. I think. I hope. I don't believe a word I just wrote and neither should you.
Dammit, I was tired last night and I just wanted to snooze. And snooze I did. In my usual manner, I'm just waking up this morning. I'm still quite a bit tired though, so I'll probably stay here for the next hour or so. But as a show of commitment to you good people out there, I have not scratched my balls yet. I have actually put writing this blog ahead of my usual morning exercise. If that isn't love, I don't know what is. I love scratching my balls, but I'm putting you gentlefolk's needs first. If any of you out there love me as much, someone really should offer to come scratch them for me. As per usual, this invitation is extended strictly to the beautiful girls all over the world/ I could be chasing/ but my time would be wasted/ cos they got nothing on you baby...... Nothing on you baby.
Yes gentle folk, I am in my usual exquisitely good saturday morning mood, and from the looks of things, nothing can ruin it. Not the fact that I haven't had sex for so long, I'm considering putting my family jewels up for sale on Ebay. Not the fact that my account balance can be compared to a flat-line on a heart monitor. Not the fact that Alicia Keys is pregnant for another man. None of these can put me off my mood. I believe this is what a 'happy child' feels like.
I makes me wonder, am I slightly schizophrenic? Most people wonder if they have a darker side to themselves, I wonder if there is a friendlier side to me. The personality differences I display during the week and on weekends are well past just upset and happy.
There may be a Dr Jekyll to my Mr Hyde. I shall call him Mr Green. I'm currently in Jekyll mode, which proves my theory. Of course, we share similarities, we both are and always will be assholes, but Mr Green's assholism (new word) is more of a witty, funny sort of personality. Womilee is plain mean and violent.
Mr Green is the sort of chap who will see a road side accident and simply continue on his way, Womilee will stop, park and enjoy the carnage. Probably make some sick comment about whether blood and ketchup look and taste alike.
Mr Green prefers a cold Guinness, nice and relaxing. Womilee likes whiskey shots, the harsher, the better.
Right now, if I was offered sex, I'd like to lie back and enjoy the ride. Get naked, give her a cowboy hat and tell her to go on with her bad self. Ride 'em cowgirl. Womilee wouldn't even take the suit off. Just bend the poor child over a desk, lift up her skirt and light a joint, just to show how gangsta he is. Asking Mr Green to a social event is just as big a waste of time as asking Womilee. They'll both decline, but in Green's case, you're sure of walking away with your genitals intact. I cannot vouch for Womilee in this situation.
As is said, I'm in Mr Green mode and hopefully, Womilee won't show his face anytime soon.
What's going on for the weeknd you beautiful people you? The usual? I have no idea what to do with myself. I'm considering a covert operation to wipe-out my mechanic's blood line from the face of the earth, but that would wake Womilee, and we don't want to do that.
And now gentlefolk, its that time again...
Music: my hard heads, you are not a true rap fan if you've never listened to Jay-Z's Hard Knock Life, Vol 2. It is probably one of the top 10 greatest rap albums of all time. Please, indulge. My softies, TLC's Crazy, Sexy, Cool album will make it hot for you. My in-betweens, at the risk of upsetting a board member, I suggest Nelly's Country Grammar. I liked it....
Movies: I want something a bit scary today. Stephen King's IT scared the shit out of me as a kid. I watched it again as an adult, and it pretty much had the same effect. However, gentlemen, do NOT watch this movie while making out/getting a hand job from a girl that scares easily. This was a personal and rather painful experience.
Books: Catch 22 by Joseph Heller is one heller (bad pun) read. Funny, but starts to get vividly profound as you go on.
Sex: please go to Ebay for a fairly used set of genitals. They're still almost unused and are going at a giveaway rate for the previous owners inability to put them to proper use.
I'm going back to sleep now gentlefolk, have a good weekend.
I am Mr Green, standing in for Womilee.