Gentlefolk, I think I'll name today What The Fuck Wednesday. Not every wednesday though, just this one. Because the amount and variety of fuckery that has already happened this morning is astounding. I don't mean the regular shit like waking up late or forgetting to use deodorant. I'm talking about some really hardcore fuck-ups. Don't misunderstand, I did wake up late and I swear on all that is fucked, I wish I forgot to use deodorant.
Who has ever woken up in a severely dis-oriented state? No, I don't meaning the 'morning after awesomeness' state, I mean absolutely confused. Well, if you have, trust me, I just shattered whatever record you or anyone else may have set for daftest mistakes made in a space of 30 minutes.
Gentlefolk, I have had 3 baths already today. I am not overly concerned with my hygiene nor do I have OCD. I am simply a fucking moron. After the first shower, I reached for the deodorant spray on my bedside table...which some fucking genius, some goddamn nuclear physicist (guilty) put right beside my can of spray starch. Do I need to go on? Or have you figured out where I am going with this? The really sad part is that I did not realise what I was doing until I noticed I wasn't smelling the way I normally do.
After congratulating myself on a job well done, I had to go shower again.
Now shower number 2 wouldn't have been so bad had I remembered that my shower gel and my sister's hair shampoo were the same color, but had different scents. Again another nobel prize winner (again, guilty) decided to put them right beside each other. I just grabbed whatever and started scrubbing. I guess the only upside to this is that I am now certain my pubic hair is dandruff free. Of course the combination of scents I must currently smell like may be quite lethal. Not to mention the remote possiblity of suddenly developing skin cancer.
They say 3rd time's the charm and I certainly hope they aren't fucking around. I may as well have written detailed instructions to myself on how to clean up in the morning. But I've replayed the whole scenario in my head and I'm now confident that the 3rd time, I did have a bath with my shower gel, I did use deodorant, not spray starch or insecticide or some shit. Infact, I can go as far as to brag that I know I brushed my teeth. The only fear I have now is what I used to wipe my ass, cos I cannot remember seeing toilet paper this morning.
Dear Wednesday, I already have beef with your evil bitch sister Monday and I'm currently entangled in a passsionate love affair with your sweet sibling Friday. I want nothing to do with you or any other member of your family. Clearly, you're the funny one, pulling all sorts of shitty pranks on unsuspecting people. Please, please, please don't make this personal. Fucking asshole.
Gentlefolk I must go now. My brother is not going to be pleased.... I think I'm wearing his underwear....
Have a good day people.
I am Womilee.