Dear Sir,
You are a prick. I know this is neither official language nor is it the proper way to reply an official memo, but I believe those 4 words encompass everything I could possibly have to say to you.
As clearly stated, I received your memo, inquiring as to why I did not attend to the customer swiftly, politely or at all. My answer to this sir, is that in my opinion, he is a prick too. Infact, so as to save on words and maximise efficiency, (as you always ask us to), I will say that in my opinion, you are both pricks. I hope that this statement is both efficient and effective, as per your set standards.
If I must expatiate, I refused to attend to the customer for several reasons. Firstly, he was today and often is late. He came at a time when it would have been impossible for me to attend to his transaction, round up for the day and still make my way home. In other words sir, I did not bring a mattress, pillow and duvet to the office with me this morning, thus sleeping here because of this reject and your good self was not an option I was going to entertain.
Another reason I opted not to attend to him sir, is because he is ugly. And so is his wife. This leads me to believe that they have birthed equally ugly offspring. I feel our organisation should not indulge and encourage the multiplication of his blood line. Thus killing his transaction, which in turn will lead to him making less money and consequently starving him and his circus freak family to death seemed to be the right thing to do. I fear however that my efforts may be in vain, as I am confident that this company pays you a salary. This being said, Ive seen your wife's photo, and it is safe to say your family home must function as a petting zoo on weekends.
Do not view this as an insult good sir, I am merely replying your memo in the very best of my capacities. My next and final reason for refusing the customers request sir, is that I consider him, to be without the shadow of a doubt, the most illiterate of illiterates. I feel that insulting him may have been a waste of my time, and thus I chose to ignore him. This man strikes me as so stupid, he could not tell the time if he was the second hand on a clock. He could easily measure his IQ by counting all the fingers on one hand. Infact sir, I suspect that's the only reason you have taken up this case so adamantly is that you are delighted to have finally found something other than single cell organisms which is dumber than you.
I have considered your suggestion of apology, and have decided against it. I feel that apologising to this bottomless pit of a man might somehow make him feel more intelligent and important than he and his entire clan actually are, which I cannot live with on my conscience.
I hope I have sufficiently explained my stance on this issue, and I wish to assure you sir, that for as long as you and your customers continue to think with the mental capacity of dead wood, I shall always be here to fuck up whatever plans you may have laid out.
To re-iterate sir, I think you're a prick.
Thank you for your time.
Yours Sincerely
I am Womilee.
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