When I go on and on about the evils of Monday and how she's after me in particular, you good people have a laugh about it. You all say, 'Womilee is crazy' and 'he's lost his mind' and what not. Some of you consider me to be a form of entertainment, others think I should seek professional help and counselling. I'm sure some of you even consider me a tad paranoid.... How can a day of the week hate just one guy? Well let me tell you all, its so true. Monday fucking hates my guts. If you're already thinking the above, consider this...
Laziness is generally frowned upon. People have always endorsed hard-work and disapproved of laziness. Despite this, I have always embraced my laziness as a part of my genetic make-up. Yes I am lazy and quite happy about it. My laziness has gotten me into trouble far more times than gotten me out of it. But today, if I had just accepted myself for who and what I am, I may not have had such a frustrating morning. All you people out there who consider laziness a thing of negativity, I finally have proof. I can prove that yes, Monday is out to get me, and that laziness can be a good thing.
You good people who follow this blog know I am an avid fan of the Lagos state governor. The man has done many a great thing, but the best of all is the BRT bus service. Again, my loyal readers, you know that this is my preferred mode of transport when getting to and coming from the office. Its fast, convenient, comfortable and most importantly, allows me to snooze while enroute to wherever I'm going. I love the bus, and thus, my car sits at home, lonely, all week. Noone to drive her or take care of her. As I left the house this morning, I looked at my motor vehicle and thought to myself 'give her a spin. Cars get damaged when they're parked for so long'. I did not know that Monday, like some evil, calculating chess grandmaster had already forseen these musings of mine and laid out a vicious trap for me to fall ass first into.
Putting my laziness aside, which again was a huge mistake, I hopped in my space ship and fucked off to work. All the while driving, I kept saying to myself 'this isn't so bad'. There was minimal traffic, I was going along just fine. And then Monday, that bitch, did what she does best.
Gentlefolk, there were at least 100 cars that had to have passed the exact same spot I passed that morning. How in fuck's name is it possible that the nail found its way right into my tyre?! 100 cars equals 400 tyres! You want to tell me that out of 400 previous tyres, it was sheer coincidence that the nail ripped up my tyre? The 401st?! Really?! I think not. Fucking Monday put it there! The bitch put that nail there on purpose, just as I was passing. Monday tried to fucking kill me! Now, does everybody believe me yet?
I know what you all are thinking... Just whip out the spare... Do you really think Monday didn't think about that already?! My spare was flatter than an 11 year old girl! Again, coincidence?! Really?! Fuck no! I was set up! And by guess who?
This was not enough however. Oh no, Monday had to go the extra mile to piss me off good and proper. She sent over her minions. Her henchmen. In the form of 2 Lastma officials.
Good people, tell me, the power of observation, is it not a wonderful thing? Is it not good enough that the Almighty gave us the sense of sight? After this generous gift, is it not right that we use it to the fullest capacity? If you agree with the above statements, then you too might find it strange why 2 supposedly government officials, supposedly trained in the intricacies of road and traffic procedures, would walk over to a man, standing outside an obviously disabled car, with a tyre iron in his hands and a look of total confusion on his face, by 6.-fucking-30 in the morning and ask 'Is there a problem?'.
This question upset me so much, I actually had to use my left hand to hold back my right hand. Cos the right hand was holding the tyre iron and it suddenly developed a mind of its own. Is there a fucking problem?! 'No officer, everything is just fucking fine. I belong to a religious sect who believe that deflating one's own tyres by 6 in the morning is the path to true enlightenment! I do this every fucking month! In fact, this is just level one. To reach the next level, I must use my dick to jack the damn car up and use my testicles as wedges for the wheels!'
What kind of fucking question did those bastards ask me?! 'Is there a problem'?! Bad enough this shit has happened, I now had these two university professors asking me questions....
In a nutshell gentlefolk, my original tyre tore so badly, I had to buy a new one, I got to the office late and I had to give the two geniuses some money for helping me out. Does anyone now understand why I loathe Monday so much? She did this and enjoyed it! BITCH!
It is time for me to leave now good people, I need to get away from today.
See you soon.
I am Womilee.