13/09/2010

Testing, one, two, three,.... is this thing on? Hi. My name is Womilee. Do you remember me? We used to hang out a lot. You've forgotten already? I'm hurt....
Ladies and gentle beings, I have a question.... Where's the love? Where's the muthafucking love?! Where did it all go? What happened? Did I really stop trending so quickly? Where are all the ladies that promised sexual encounters? What happened to the gentlemen that promised free booze, all on account of GIM? I would just like to note that I prefer gifts of these forms specifically from these genders. Though free booze from the ladies would be a welcome treat, sexual favours from dudes is a strict no-no. Getting back to the point, again, where's the love? I'm gone a couple of months and I'm history already? My 15 minutes of fame are up, Womilee is not fashionable no more? Is it really that easy to lose interest? A month and a half ago, I had promises of love and conjugal bliss from so many women, I'd began to delude myself when I looked in a mirror. And this present day, I could go out in public wearing a giant pink t-shirt with 'I am Womilee' emblazoned on the front in fluorescent green, a marching band, midgets doing acrobatics and that Derenle homo just being himself and even my most avid reader would scoff at my futile attempt for attention.
Even on twitter, which admittedly I'm not a very big fan of. In my usual stealth mode, I discovered I lost some followers. Okay, truth be told, one of my advisors discovered that, I could give a fuck honestly. What I'm saying here gentlefolk, is my feelings have been hurt. I thought we were forming a nation, a movement, a revolution, with me as the leader, screaming "death to the muthafucking scumbag capitalist sumbitches! And they mama's!" But I disappear for a few, and the movement is over. Again gentlefolk, I'm hurt.
However, it pleases me to announce, I'm back. I will not let this revolution fail! I am the Che Guvera of slackers! The Adams Oshiomole of faffers! The MLK of lazy muthafuckers who don't wanna do shit for a living! So to those who doubted, to those who deserted, to those who absconded, I say to you all.... Blow me bitch, again, I could give a fuck....
What's good, good people? Miss me? I missed you. Come 'ere, give us a kiss.... You homo muthafuckas stay back tho. I would like to say that so much has happened in my hiatus.... but I'd be lying. My life continues to get more and more boring by the day. If my life was a reality show, itd be called 'Watch Something Else, Really'. I do have some news,.... Guess who isn't a virgin anymore? That's right you beautiful muthafuckers, I got me some nookie. Infact, I got me a whole lot of nookie. I have sinned and sinned and then I sinned some more. And it was gooooooood! Chances are, I'm probably going to sin again soon. May the Good Lord forgive me and the sexy young thing I'm planning on violating, for the evil we're going to commit, over and over and over again....
There is however, some un-good news. We've all realised I can't do this daily. Even thrice weekly is a daunting task. So, it is with a heavy heart, but much lighter balls, that I announce that GIM is from here on end, a once weekly affair. Bear with me gentlefolk, its for the good of all.
Now I know you want to hear a story, don't you? Story, story.....
Despite my nobel prize and guinness world record for biggest asshole ever, I am a rather charitable person. Unfortunately, I am not wealthy enough to form my own special charity, or donate billions to my favourite worthy cause. But when I see someone who needs something more than I, I am prompted to give. Its true, Womilee is slightly human. All manner of ailments or needs fall under this category. I will lend a hand to anything from financial woes to health issues. But one thing I will NEVER be charitable to, is unattractive women. I don't give a fuck how bad you need it, you aint getting it from me!
The fates (bitches that they are) know this. And they have twisted it for their own pleasure, as usual. Gentlefolk, cast your minds back to a post about a female banker with an exceptionally impressive beard. Do you remember? Well guess who's been hitting on me for about 3 weeks now?
It would be sad if it wasn't so scary. I don't know what the fuck she thinking! She's older, and I have nothing against that. Lord knows, there're a couple of MILFs in that office that can get it, anytime. But Chick Ross?! Mrs T?! Hell fucking no! I'm no pretty boy people, but the air-conditioning doesn't shut down when I enter a room, thus I'm allowed to be picky. And I do not fuck ugly women. Or physically displeasing females. Or aesthetically unsavoury members of the fairer sex. Its not a pride thing, or arrogance, its simply a lifestyle choice. I do not and will not help any un-nice broad in need of nookie.
I want to tell her to stop. Stop popping into my cubicle and asking me how I am. Stop asking me if I need a lift. Stop offering to take me to lunch. And for fuck's sake, stop commenting on my beard! I know bankers shouldn't keep beards dammit, you know that too. What's your muthafucking excuse?! Unfortunately, she's also a bit of a boss in the place, so I can't tell her these things. I can't tell her that I'd rather stick my dick in the office shredder. I can't tell her that I wouldn't cum in her mouth if her teeth were on fire. I can't tell her that I'd prefer to have sex with myself, stripped naked, standing in front of a mirror and whacking off to the sight of my ugly ass. All I can do is smile, shake or nod my head and say 'Yes Ma'.... Like I said, it'd be sad, if it wasn't so scary....
Gentlefolk, I leave you now. We shall dance again next week, I guarantee it. Till then....
I am Womilee, do u remember me?