Monday, 9 December 2013

Who has seen any of the Indiana Jones movies? Maybe one or all of The Mummy trilogy? Ever wanted to be a world famous archaeologist, studying the tombs and catacombs of ancient Pharaohs? Ever found yourself watching one of such people on The History Channel or Discovery Channel, thinking to yourself “damn, that looks cool as shit!”? Well I’ve got great news for you, it's easy enough to achieve right here in our dear country Nigeria. Or at least to the most of my experience, here in Lagos state. With very little to no professional training at all, you too can become a world renowned expert on the burial habits of ancient cultures. I know what you’re thinking…., it's time to check another webpage, maybe finally call the appropriate authorities me. But hear me out for a bit… I was at an expo/exhibition recently, mostly populated by women who came to sell and showcase their wares and creations. A few of these ladies were middle aged and married, however the event was dominated by younger women, and it was here that I noticed a strange phenomenon. Now this phenomenon I speak of is actually a very common occurrence, but I had quite a bit of time on my hands that day, and that’s when it struck me. Why in God’s good name do girls insist on coating their faces with immeasurable amounts of make up? I'm no expert on make up or beautification as a subject. Lord knows, my skin care regimen consists of water (sometimes I even use soap), but putting that much plastic explosive on your face has to have some form of skin health hazards. Every single last one of these girls looked like a Sarcophagus. Every one. All that paint and thinner and textcoat and primer and auto-base…. It was disturbing to be honest. I'm all for makeup, please don’t misunderstand, but when it's applied in such a way as to give off the impression that one is in a Museum of Ancient Egyptian History, it becomes unsettling. These ladies had enough bronze and gold paint on their faces to supply the next Olympic games with medals. Again, I’ll confess to knowing very little about most things, especially make up, but heaven help me, I’ve never seen so many expressionless faces in my life. I can only imagine that the gold and bronze colored candle wax which they had soaked their faces in was so flammable, the crack of a smile might ignite it. Who do they all buy this make up from anyways? Mac? Mary Kay? Ihmotep? After about 3 hours of staring, I considered myself a full expert on Sarcophagi. I was tempted to walk up to one and ask how much she charged for house painting, and if she could get the exact color of her face on my bathroom wall. Ladies, please, I implore thee, easy on the face paint. We are not at war with the Indians, this isn’t the Cirque Du Soliel and I'm quite sure Halloween was about 2 months ago. Walking around looking like Michael Myers isn’t attractive. I do understand that the makeup does for some of you what the Predator’s war masks do for their actual faces. And I hear there is quite a ‘demand’ for young ladies that look like Doink the Clown. Still, there's a few of us out there who like to wake up next to who we fell asleep with last night. As opposed to a complete stranger lying down on brand new tie-n- dye sheets. I leave you now with the following words of wisdom to ponder upon: Less is more Keep it simple Fuck bitches, get money. I am Womilee.

Sunday, 1 September 2013

The 5th

My 4 evil exs. I don't mean the 'evil' part literally, but it adds a sense of drama to this. Scott Pilgrim vs The World and High Fidelity are 2 movies in which part of the plot revolved around listing out exs and their effects on the antagonist. Both these movies are amongst my top 50 of all time, and so I've decided to honor them with my own list. The interesting thing is I only actually dated one of these girls, the others were technically not my girlfriends. Top 4 girls who left me for dead. More drama, I know... 1. The Ibo Princess She holds the privilege of being the 1st girl to really affect my feelings. It was a case of puppy love that grew into something indescribable. She was 15, I was 17 and we were together for 3 years. A wonderful specimen she was, ass for days, light skin, beautiful face. I still hold her as possibly the most physically agreeable woman I've ever been with. I must have written a list and handed it to God before I was born. That's how much her looks suited my preferences. And just as she was beautiful, more so was she stubborn and irrational. Winning an argument with My Ibo Princess happened less often that her monthly cycle. She did my head in every time, saying unreasonable things, making irrational decisions and backing these actions with irrelevant excuses and opinions. Sometimes, it felt like trying to read Shakespeare to a baboon. She was just so unreasonable. An example: she once tried to convince me that in our relationship, I should always accept that she has faults and overlook them. However I should never expect her to overlook mine, because she's female and she should be allowed. She was that stubborn. But then, all princesses are. It ended badly between us, I got dumped for a club boy in Unilag. Probably another fault I should have overlooked and understood. On this list, she's the only one who was an actual girlfriend. 2. Miss Blue Jeans I believe her mother joined a very exclusive club. When she was pregnant, she was visited by an angel who brought her a gift. This gift was a pair of blue jeans, and the instructions were 'when she's of a certain age, give her these to wear'. The first day I noticed her must have been the day she reached that age of prophesy. She had on these jeans that looked painted on. They hugged her hips and ass so perfectly, I was sure of divine intervention. I called her Blue Jeans, and she loved it. We had a wonderful time together. Her boyfriend was a problem of course, but in the beginning, it didn't matter. Her response when I touched her was almost addictive. I wanted her to want me, and she did. My jokes were never lost on her, she was always laughing and swinging those hips and speaking in that slightly nasal tone. When we kissed, it was so intense that her lips would get bruised, but she loved it. I begged and pleaded for a serious relationship. Be my girl, we're good together. But no, she wouldn't. For some reason (and you will notice a pattern as this goes along) she just couldn't date me. It was heart wrenching really. I tried and said everything I could, but her answer was always a no. She went abroad for what was supposed to be a brief holiday, and never came back. I think I may have loved her, because to be honest, I still hate her just a little bit. 3. The Ghanian aka Moonwatcher The most innocent looking thing in the world. 1000 watt smile and a personality that is borderline psychotic. The Ghanian is a beauty, and a brain. Pinky and The Brain rolled into one. But she was fun. The most fun I've had with a girl. One night when we were hanging out, I ran out of interesting conversation and I said 'look how bright the moon is '. From that day, we'd go moon watching. It was brilliant. I still called her recently to inform her about a particularly big and bright moon. We'd talk about causing chaos and inciting anarchy. Just jokes of course, but its nice to have someone to joke with, isn't it. She is beautiful. I talk about her in the present tense, because strangely, we're still quite good friends. She too refused my offers of dating exclusivity. I was head over for this one as well. She was so soft, I've never met a girl with such skin since. But alas, she couldn't quite see us as a couple. It just wouldn't work she said. We're still friends as I said earlier, and its nice that way. I wonder occasionally what might have been, I wonder if she does the same. 4. The Cyborg A huge deviation from my normal M.O. The Cyborg was the strangest thing ever. She would tell me how even her parents would question her sanity. The Cyborg was slim. Beautiful face, heavy over bite when she smiled, but what a laugh. It was like someone was tickling a piglet. I still don't quite understand how she got me. I have high posterior standards, if "you aint got no ass at all, we aint fucking with y'all", word to Method Man. And she didn't hav ass at all. She was tall, slim and fucking crazy. Her car was bought to one specification. Big enough to live in. She would park outside her house and stay in the car for hours after work, refusing to go inside. That's were we had most of our dates, inside her car. I remember after an argument once, we didn't speak for a week. As I came out of my house one saturday afternoon, she was parked outside, sitting in the car, listening to VV Brown's Shark In The Water. Strange strange woman. Her face was completely devoid of any emotion at all times. Except when I made her laugh. And I made her laugh a lot. When we kissed, it was something to see this emotionless robot respond with such intensity. But once our lips parted ways, The Cyborg was back. I'd be thinking 'man that was awesome!' She'd be looking at me like 'yeah nigga it was nice. What you want, a medal or something'. If Keanu Reeves hadn't played Neo in the Matrix, this girl would have killed the role. Always kept a blank look, never changed her expressionless expression. Except when I made her laugh. And I made her laugh a lot. Sadly, she too would not be my bae. She had just come out of a relationship, a day before I met her, and she was not looking for another so soon. I was her rebound guy, and that sucked for me. We've since started speaking again. Being with her would have been so different, because she's so different. A top 5 would be much more mathematically aesthetic, but only 4 have affected me so drastically. I hope I never have a 5th too. The next girl who I feel enough for to write about..., I'm hoping she stays. Signed Womilee