Monday, 9 December 2013

Who has seen any of the Indiana Jones movies? Maybe one or all of The Mummy trilogy? Ever wanted to be a world famous archaeologist, studying the tombs and catacombs of ancient Pharaohs? Ever found yourself watching one of such people on The History Channel or Discovery Channel, thinking to yourself “damn, that looks cool as shit!”? Well I’ve got great news for you, it's easy enough to achieve right here in our dear country Nigeria. Or at least to the most of my experience, here in Lagos state. With very little to no professional training at all, you too can become a world renowned expert on the burial habits of ancient cultures. I know what you’re thinking…., it's time to check another webpage, maybe finally call the appropriate authorities me. But hear me out for a bit… I was at an expo/exhibition recently, mostly populated by women who came to sell and showcase their wares and creations. A few of these ladies were middle aged and married, however the event was dominated by younger women, and it was here that I noticed a strange phenomenon. Now this phenomenon I speak of is actually a very common occurrence, but I had quite a bit of time on my hands that day, and that’s when it struck me. Why in God’s good name do girls insist on coating their faces with immeasurable amounts of make up? I'm no expert on make up or beautification as a subject. Lord knows, my skin care regimen consists of water (sometimes I even use soap), but putting that much plastic explosive on your face has to have some form of skin health hazards. Every single last one of these girls looked like a Sarcophagus. Every one. All that paint and thinner and textcoat and primer and auto-base…. It was disturbing to be honest. I'm all for makeup, please don’t misunderstand, but when it's applied in such a way as to give off the impression that one is in a Museum of Ancient Egyptian History, it becomes unsettling. These ladies had enough bronze and gold paint on their faces to supply the next Olympic games with medals. Again, I’ll confess to knowing very little about most things, especially make up, but heaven help me, I’ve never seen so many expressionless faces in my life. I can only imagine that the gold and bronze colored candle wax which they had soaked their faces in was so flammable, the crack of a smile might ignite it. Who do they all buy this make up from anyways? Mac? Mary Kay? Ihmotep? After about 3 hours of staring, I considered myself a full expert on Sarcophagi. I was tempted to walk up to one and ask how much she charged for house painting, and if she could get the exact color of her face on my bathroom wall. Ladies, please, I implore thee, easy on the face paint. We are not at war with the Indians, this isn’t the Cirque Du Soliel and I'm quite sure Halloween was about 2 months ago. Walking around looking like Michael Myers isn’t attractive. I do understand that the makeup does for some of you what the Predator’s war masks do for their actual faces. And I hear there is quite a ‘demand’ for young ladies that look like Doink the Clown. Still, there's a few of us out there who like to wake up next to who we fell asleep with last night. As opposed to a complete stranger lying down on brand new tie-n- dye sheets. I leave you now with the following words of wisdom to ponder upon: Less is more Keep it simple Fuck bitches, get money. I am Womilee.