And at last, the board is re-united. A prominent member of my cartel has been unavailable for about 3 weeks. This affected the board most negatively, for his function is most important to our plans for world domination. Welcome back your Lordship, it is good you are with us once more.
How did today go good people? We TGIF, FYIF and GIM all the time, but shouldn't we also thank God monday is over? Don't worry, I'm not planning to invent an acronym for this or come up with a new theory, I'm just pleased today is over and done with. If we can get through monday, we can survive its minions.
Gentlefolk, I have come to the decision that I am not white collar material. I need a job that suits my personality, as well as my particular skills and talents. The brilliance behind this thinking is quite admirable, for I have developed a new personality trait outside the regular, standard four. From what I have heard, everyone falls into four categories of personality, Melancholy, Phlegmatic, Sanguine and Choleric. Most people are a mixture of 2 of these traits, example, Melancholy Choleric, Phlegmatic Sanguine etc. I tried to place myself into one of these categories to no avail, when it struck me, I may be an entirely new personality trait! And so, it is with great pleasure I would like to unveil the newest and by far coolest personality trait. Gentlefolk, I am Assholic Narcissistic!
After this great discovery, I proceeded to search deep within me for what talents I may possess. At first, I was distraught, because I know for a fact that I have no talents whatsoever. I cannot cook, sing, rap, dance, design, act, paint or motivate. This caused me some concern as you can imagine, until I realised the obvious.... My talent lies in the fact that I have no talent! Of course!
With this new information, I decided to go online and find my dream job. I googled the sentence 'no talent asshole seeking job' and wouldn't you know it, Google delivered. I now have a list of jobs which I agree are perfectly suited to my disposition:
1. Beer taster: yes good people, it is a real job and one I would excel at. I have in depth experience in this field and can be considered a foremost authority in it.
2. Dead body or corpse in movies: another actual job I would be great at. My acute laziness already allows me to lie around totally motionless for long periods of time, thus it would not be acting to me, it would be second nature. Infact I may go on to be the first person in history to win an Oscar for playing a dead body in a feature film.
3: Mattress tester: I am not making these up, this is an actual occupation. I would be the best mattress tester ever and in my retirement, would go on to mentor many young, potential mattress testers at my School For Slacking Aroung Excellence.
4: Medicinal Marijuana tester: I cannot imagine another person better suited to this role than myself. Or maybe I can. I forget. I hear weed can result in memory loss. What was I saying again?
5: Blogger: well what can I say here? Who else but me?
Gentlefolk, now all I need to do is find a way to apply for one or all these jobs and make a name for myself in life. A name that would stand out amongst all names and aliases. A name such that when heard, it immediately arouses the interest all all around me. When I think of this however, only one name comes to mind...
I am Womilee.