Man I hate it when my own advice doesn't even work for me. How do I look anyone in the face now? I did my best. I tried every trick in the book, then invented a few more... Nothing. Its here. Fucking monday is here. Back to the business suit, the traffic, the long days and short nights. Back to the grand hustle for mediocre benefits. It all happened so quickly too. We knew today was coming, we were anticipating it, like that doctor's report, the one that verifies that rash is not an allergy. But despite our best efforts, we could do nothing to stop or postpone it.
So people, with a great deal less enthusiasm, and much more apathy than friday, say it with me... Godammit, its Monday.
I didn't feel like putting exclamation marks at the end of that statement, it felt wrong. Almost a slap in the face of TGIF. But I hear there's a silver lining in every dark cloud, so let us see if we can find something advantageous about the beginning of the week.
First of all, its great to be alive isn't it? This weekend I heard about the death of a dude whose hand I shook sometime 2 weeks ago. He wasn't a friend or anything, not even a friend of a friend, but nonetheless, I shook his hand 2 weeks ago and now, none of us will be shaking his hands again. God bless the dead.
Also, let's be honest, weekends are expensive. If you're like me (and chances are you are very much like me, you sick bastard), weekends are the equivalent of a gold-digging bitch girlfriend. Lord help you if you already have one by the way. But honestly, our offices and places of work curb our spending. The worst you'll pay for is food... Maybe top up your phone. If it gets too bad, you pay for a taxi to go home. That's it, spending done for the day. But on weekends?! Sarturdays and sundays?! Those are the days she wants to go see a movie... Its then it occurs to you that fifty thousand naira hairdo would look good on you. I do a lot of compulsive spending myself. Luckily my hair only costs me three hundred, but what about when I wanna tell my friends about the girl I'm dying to copulate with at the office?
I can't just tell them, no, that would be disrespecting age old traditions and customs. It is mandatory that I tell them the story over drinks. And seeing as I'm the one with a story to tell, I must provide said drinks. Expense.
Or what about the lady whom I'm already making headway with? I can't just show up at her house, whip out the dong and say "baby, get on this!". If only life really was like a porno, then such antics would be achieveable. But as customary, I must wine and dine her, she must see a movie or go bowling, go-karting or some other meaningless manner of devouring my hard earned funds, b4 she let's me whip out the afformentioned schlong. Infact come to think of it, it would be a lot less time consuming if I just went to an ATM, withdraw cash, take it to her place, along with some kerosene and a lighter. Just give it all to her and tell her to get creative.
But I digress, the bottom line is, weekends, though immeasurable amounts of fun, also have their disadvantages. And though weekdays are the scourge of all free spirits, they can be useful.
Where are my manners? I haven't asked how your weekends went. Did anyone try any of my suggestions? Did you manage to hold back from the 'self-love' and instead hook up? I didn't... Hold on there, I mean I didn't hook up, not that I didn't refrain from doing the one handed backstroke. No engine oil for me this weekend. I did however have a bit of fun, got a couple drinks in me, teases a couple girls, etc. I'm hoping you all had a proper time though.
I must leave you all now, its time for work and you all too must be getting prepared. So dust off your desks, get out your calculators, bring out those files you were supposed to have submitted since friday, but couldn't cos frankly that shit could wait till monday. Monday is here ladies and gentlefolk, let the hustle begin.
My name is Womilee. Now, say it with me one more time, just mutter it under your breath with all the loathing you can muster... Godammit, its Monday.
See you after work.