Gentlefolk, this evening's post is gonna be a two part story. First, ill tell you about the most awesome thing that happened to me at work this morning. Then I'm gonna tell you all something very personal to me.
First up, I gotta explain a few things. I got just my blackberry... I'm still trying to get used to it, navigate my way round it, try not to look like too much of an idiot while typing a text. I'm also really loving the benefits. The internet, the messenger, and mostly the ability to send all sorts of files. Music, videos, pictures... and voice notes. The last item is particularly close to my heart at the moment, cos a certain...ehhhh... Lady friend of mine has decided to constantly keep me entertained by sending very...ehhhh...colourful voice notes everyday. These notes are exceedingly stimulating to say the least, so I just wanna say thank you baby, you know who you are.
You're probably wondering what all this has to do with you. Well honestly, this blog in general has fuck all to do with you anyways, so chill. Now remember this morning's post? I told you I had a meeting, generalised around my boss's ultra sanitary ass and my ability or lack there-of to kiss it. Well, just as the meeting was rounding up, I accidently push the play button on the top of my phone, and the room is filled with a female voice, saying my name huskily and asking a particular question over and over again.
For the purpose of this exercise, we shall say my name is Tony. "Tony, would you like me to send you a voice note of me fucking myself?".... Over and over again. Apparently, the damn thing was on repeat. I swear down, I nearly fainted. All the ladies around me looked at me with utter digust in their eyes...the dudes asked if my phone's bluetooth was on. And in the usual manner of things like this, no matter how hard I tried, the damn thing wouldn't stop. I pushed every button on it, but it continued, "Tony, would you like me to send you a voice note of me fucking myself? Would that be nice?"
For the rest of the day, every girl whose eye I caught iimmeditely turned away, and every guy waved his phone at me and mouthed 'bluetooth'. It was mad funny to be honest, can't say I regretted it. If anything, it made the damn meeting a bit more fun, I'm now sonething of a cult hero amongst the guys in the office and the ladies.... Ah fuck it! They weren't gonna do me anyways.
And now ladies and gentlefolk, time for part two of tonight's article. And coincedentally, it too is about women. Or bitches. More like one bitch in particular. Who by some fluke of nature, came to earth as a man. See, I have no problem with criticism, especially about this blog. I'm not a professional writer, I have no idea how to arrange a sentence, verse, chapter... None of these things mean shit to me. I do this because its fun dammit! So it baffles me how someone, who I was honestly suprised to find out can read, has the balls to hate on my writing.
You know I'm talking to you, you shit. To avoid further confusion, Cheifo you bastard, where do you get off saying shit about me and what I write about. See I made sure you'd be reading this, you should be thanking God I don't call your real name. When, in your insignificant little existence have you ever picked up a piece of literature and studied it? And I don't mean the magazines you jerk off to. You have the gall to open up your stinkhole and tell one of my boys that you past that?! Past what fool, what have you achieved other than making me and everybody else who knows you dislike your ass. I say dislike cos I'm generalising. If I'm gonna speak for myself only, then I hate your fucking guts.
See everybody knew I was going to do this to you, that's why you got the link. And please don't misunderstand, nobody asked me not to. Apparently, though not suprisingly, you have pissed off quite a number of people, paramount amongst these, a group of gentlemen with extremem attraction to larger than normal female posteriors. You lnow who and what I'm talking about. Told your girl about them didn't you? This did not sit well with said gentlemen, so they in particular are cheering me on right now.
You know why I can do this? Because like I said earlier, the fact that you can read alone is amazing, but you writing? That my friend is asking for a bit too much, hence I'm not expecting a reply anytime soon. Unless you want to help me disgrace your ass. But wait, there's an added advantage. See I figure I have at least 20kg on you, so not only can I murder you with literature, I can physically beat your ass as well. So if you have a problem with this, please, I'm begging, tell me. In person. You know where to get my digits, pin number, dammit my mama's number. Come to my face and say something. See if I don't rip off your chest and back hair and interchange them. Fool.
Gentlefolkn forgive the slight break in transmission, I had to clear that up. I'm almost home now, so this is where ill end tonight.
I am Womilee, and Cheifo should know that.