Time is an interesting concept. It takes 5 minutes to properly boil an egg. It takes 9 months to conceive and give life to a child. It takes 24 hours for villan afte villan to realise that Jack Bauer is a bad muthafucker. It takes me 72 hours every weekend to search for and fail in getting me some nookie. And after today, we are all going to tolerate our bosses, indulge our colleagues, and scrutinise our lives, in 96 hours.
I do this every week. Its the only way I get through it. Soon as its monday morning, I wake up, scratch the balls (just making sure they're still there) and tell myself that only 4 days are left. Always, friday is on my mind.
A great many people consider me lazy and irresponsible because of this outlook on work. "How can you already be talking about friday? The week just started! That's laziness!" And they say these things like its some sort of momumental discovery. When they say these things, they look at me, expecting some form of remorse. Maybe hoping for me to suddenly have a tearful epiphany..."Oh God! You're right! I am lazy and irresponsible! I should appreciate my low paying, time consuming, brutally tasking, mind numbing job! What have I been thinking?! I have been chosen to perfom this task. This incredible assignment, which could just have easily been done by a trained monkey, who's high off cough syrup. But no, rather than said monkey, I was chosen. I should be grateful and thankful..."
As you can imagine, I haven't quite had this epiphany yet. I'm sure I will one day. When I've decided to become a nun. But for now, I am continually baffled by their complaints. People, I know I'm lazy and immature. My friends and family know and have known this. Dammit my first words as a baby were sleep, tv and milk. Yeah, I was born a boobie man, things have changed though. So please to all those who accuse me of being lazy, immoral and having a low work ethic, I say to you..."Duh? I know this...".
Now gentlefolk, a segment I would like to call 'Writer-Reader Relations'. My foremost advisor in charge of this blog brought to the attention of the board the concerns of some readers. Apparently, a number of you are offended by my continual use of the F word, and also the vivid and macabre imagery I project sometimes. It will come as no surprise that these particular readers are also female. Unfortunately however, this did not sit well with the remaining board members, and they immediately started throwing up middle fingers like gang signs, cussing uncontrollably and threatening everything from dismembering to purposely spreading STDs to said female readers.
Luckily, I was there, as I always am, as the voice of reason. I explained to them the delicacies which form the female mind, and how gentile and cultured women are and so on. I suggested revising and editing the content of my material before posting, so as to pacify and indulge you beautiful creatures. This resulted in the board threatening me with dismemberment and STDs, thus I did what anyone would do and shut the fuck up.
However, we managed to iron out a solution which would suit all parties concerned here. That is us (meaning the board), the readers who don't care how much I cuss and you gentlefolk out there who are put off by my profanities. This is actually a groundbreaking height in personality and tolerance that has been achieved by the board, for they are not usually the most reasonable of men. I must say, gentlemen, I am proud of you and you should be too.
So gentlefolk, the board has given me a list of suggetions to supply you good people with. This list contains a good number of helpful publications which do not contain any form of profanity. The Vanguard, Guardian and Punch newspapers are excellent choices. For the more literary inclined, Reader's Digest has lots of columns and articles which do not contain any swearing at all. The more political, economic and business minded of you will thoroughly enjoy The Economist and The Wall Street Journal. And as for those who prefer visual and audio stimulations, stations such as CNN and the BBc are excellent choices.
What the board and I are trying to get across to you all is ... And I quote directly from a board member... We'll be fucked if I stop swearing! Thank you.
I am Womi-fucking-lee. See you all on wednesday.